The War with My Body

photographer: bennierose

I think I’ve only known war with my body, so much so that peace felt forced, unfamiliar, and strange to me. Me and my body had never known compromise or reconciliation and I swear it was like two married people in a loveless house. I always wondered what people thought of my body before I wondered about what they thought of me -because my body announced itself before I could even speak. I always wished I could shrink the contours of my body just to see if it was me that they liked.

When I actually feel confident in my body, and I feel sexy, and I feel free- it is the cat-calling, and the gawking, and the disgusting words spoken by men that make me feel uncomfortable. Here I am feeling full, confident, and tall- and then men sexualize me, and I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel safe in my own body. Male privilege is when you feel safe in your body, when you feel that you have agency and ownership over your body- that is something that women simply do not have .cat calling

I am not just accepting my body, like it is some forceful decision that I must do in order to feel at peace with it, I am in love with my body. I am in awe with the way that my body has forgiven me, for the ways in which I have tried to manipulate its form to please the world in which I live-through diets and through not eating, and the unhealthy ways my body acted as collateral damage to my own mental suffering through binge drinking, self-harm and the obsession of thinking of how my body would look if it were smaller, always smaller.white chicks.gif

I am filled with gratitude for my body. The fact that my body has forgiven me for how I spoke about it, how I neglected it, how I abused it, how I scarred it- that is beautiful. For such a long time I’ve abused my body emotionally, and physically- and now, I am finally able to give it the love it deserves, and it feels revolutionary to me, it feels THAT powerful. And I know to some it may seem unimportant, or small, but to me it is huge, to me it is a celebration- a call for a party ;That this woman finally let go of the idea of how she should look, how she shouldn’t look. For me that is tremendous. I know my body applauds me. I feel happier. I feel stronger.

This is the longest relationship we will ever have. The one with ourselves; The one with our body.

How Did I Reclaim My Body?


One thing I like to do as often as possible to give my body love is to use coconut oil all over my body. It shows appreciation to my skin, and leaves me feeling like a goddess. Just rubbing my skin from my ankles to my shoulders, feels really good.

I like lingerie. Pretty matching sets, bra & underwear, makes me feel sexy and sensual, and it doesn’t have to require the presence of a partner, I just do it for myself.

My top ritual has to be, and has been the most transformative for mw, is just dancing in front of the mirror. I started out doing it with underwear and bra still on- and once I got comfortable, I did it completely nude. I would stare at my body in the mirror while dancing to my favorite song, and I did this damn near everyday after I got out the shower, and I promise you a roll can’t bother me at all anymore.

*dancing to “dance 4 you-beyonce”, like you’re dancing for your future husband is my go-to*

Taking pictures of myself has also helped me tremendously with my quest to being body positive. I bought a small tripod from Amazon for like $8, and set that sucker up, and started taking pictures. This photo on the right I took by using two tacs pushed into my ceiling, and putting my phone between the tacs, and putting on a self-timer. Get creative, have fun !!

Music- girl turn on Freekum dress before you go out and it. is. over. Beyoncé always makes me feel like I’m Beyoncé, if you follow me on Instagram then you know how I be getting’ it poppin’.


I remember once when I was in high school one of my teachers asked a class of women to raise their hand if they were unhappy with some part of their body- everyone raised their hand; and she said, “one day you’re going to wish you loved your body when you were in high school” .And when I look back to what I looked like in high school , I’m like “damn what the hell was wrong with me?” lmao, and so I carry that thought with me all the time.

We have to love our bodies now. Not when we lose ten pounds. Not when we gain ten pounds. Our self love cannot be conditional. It cannot be ” I will love my body when…”, or “I will love my body if…”. I say that to you in the same way that I say it to myself. Even when I am feeling the most confident, I hear the voice saying “God, if you just lost a 10 pounds this dress would be perfect”, and even if it is just a whisper of a voice, it is still there. I’m okay though with how my journey is going, because that voice used to be much louder, that voice used to make me change my outfit 100 times before going out, and that voice used to turn my confidence into a quick “I’m not going anymore”. The joy in the journey comes from just knowing you aren’t in the same space that you used to be anymore.

My quest to loving my body has not been easy but it has been so worth it. I am finally my body’s best friend. I take care of her, and she takes care of me.

Last but certainly not least, remember not to body shame, and I wasn’t gonna add this but hell ,

“are natural bodies still in?”

“squats not shots”

“is anyone real these days?”

“built not bought”

“natural bodies matter”




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  1. Moments into reading THE WAR WITH MY BODY I found yours words thought provoking. Much to my interest I have the urge to inquire more of your thoughts. So share with me what holds a great importance, peace with one’s body or mind. (Rhetorically spoken) War with the mind and have peace with the body? On the contrary, war with the body and have peace with the body?

    I’m sure one doesn’t have to see your body to notice your entrance. Your entrance is remarkably spoken these words you kindly share and to you I say thank you. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your deepest and most intricate thoughts.

    your audience

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