On Healing – Part One

When you talk about wounds in a spiritual/emotional way, the process is fundamentally the same as the physical body. An emotional wound can be caused by the ill intentions of others, the good intentions of others, and even the actions of ourselves. We are not always responsible for the wound, but we are responsible for how we care for it, how we respond to it, and whether it will build our character or whether it will pull us further from our best self. Sometimes I think the way we hurt ourselves the most is by allowing someone to hurt us.

The main difference between physical and emotional wounds is that your body will quickly begin healing itself without your permission, with emotional wounds and trauma, it is up to you to mend and acknowledge what is deeply rooted within you that may be hindering your growth. You have to confront what is in that depth, and you are the only one who knows what it is.

I have a friend who is a very good-hearted person, and probably one of the nicest people I know. She is in a relationship with someone who is definitely not the nicest person I know. Her heart is so big that she is convinced she can change the behaviors and abusive nature of her partner. It is important that I be honest here. This idea that you can change an abrasive person by giving them love, is child-like and self-destructive. By allowing someone to ‘wound’ you, incessantly, based on the presumption that this person will miraculously change is ridiculous, to say the least. If you are consciously aware that you are in an abusive relationship, whether physical, emotional or mental, you are responsible for how you handle that. I was once in a relationship where I knew I was being cheated on the entire time, but I really believed it would change, even after years. I know, I get it, it’s not all that black and white, because love is a powerful thing. Love will really blind you, and if you get the right kind of bastard, love can be brainwashing. Or maybe it’s not necessarily ‘love’, but it is the way that people will use love to be manipulative, and controlling. It is so difficult to leave those kinds of relationships but what I wish someone would have said to me was: “Lakota, stop acting like a child! Be mature and move on!”. I think that would have made all the difference for me because for some reason, when you’re 17,18,19 years old, someone attacking your maturity, surely puts you in your place, because the lasssst thing you want to do is be 17 years old and immature (haha!).

So what did I do after my relationship to begin the healing process? I got with someone else duh, the best way to do it! WRONG. This is the worst thing you can do, and I did it. That mistake led me to years of being a cold-hearted bitch to say the least. I formed relationships with people as a coping mechanism to a bad break up. In looking back, I think unconsciously I just needed someone to ‘want me’ which would be reassuring to my ego that says “yea you the shit, you can get anybody you want”. This brings me to the quote that exemplifies this kind of behavior precisely, “hurt people, hurt people“. I would literally pray every morning to just be able to feel. I went through a long period of being unable to write because I didn’t feel. I was numb to everything. It doesn’t matter so much that I didn’t mean to hurt people, but that I knew I was doing it, and did nothing about it.

Much of my healing came from not hiding the fact that I was hurt. Healing for me came from writing, therapy, art, and being more vulnerable than I have ever wanted to be. Vulnerability meant that I had to dig deep into my self and find the source of this numbness, this pain, this ” I don’t give a f*ck” attitude. It meant being uncomfortable, it meant letting go, it meant being emotionally naked. It meant crying in public, it meant not holding it in . Healing meant that there would be days I would rather just not exist but, *this is the revolution*, I would go listen to Joel Osteen, or listen to gospel, or paint, I never let the pain consume me to a point where I could not function. I am at a point now where I look at myself and I say, Lakota, you have a decision to make, you can cry and waste your day, or you can cry for 5 minutes, and end all of the girly sh*t and get back to fighting for your destiny. It  is all a decision of how you want to live your life. It is a choice.

I look at it like this, I am still coming home to myself. I am not there yet, but at least I am on my way.