” you should write something on loneliness…”

I’ve always had this idea that loneliness and happiness cannot live in the same house.

I told myself, this time I will try to be comfortable with the idea of not being in love, and not being in a relationship. I told myself I would take this time to heal, and to grow, and to learn how to love myself even in the absence of a lover. That time came and went before I even truly had it. I met someone…an amazing person actually, and started building an intimate relationship with them. I told myself there must be some divine timing or universal synchronicity  to this – I told myself too eagerly, to let it happen.  I listened to that voice. I listened to my comfort zone. I allowed this person to stay in a my life when I didn’t need them, when I  needed me more. But I continued to live in this lie, because the truth- the truth is scary to me. The truth is uncomfortable. The truth is that I am terrified of being alone, and I am terrified of being left, and unwanted. This pattern isn’t new; It is consistent in my life, and I’ve always defended it to the graveeee, of why  *this* person was absolutely necessary.

Some childhood trauma is definitely the root, and I am aware of that, and have been aware of that for more time that I would like to admit to. I am aware that I never want anyone to leave me because then, it proves my unworthiness that I feel. The root of this is my father leaving me, and then my mother. The two relationships that I feel are most important, have been disappointing and hurtful to say the least, and I’ve carried that experience with me through all my relationships. Loneliness seems more detrimental to me now, than ever before. Loneliness feels like loss, emptiness, and vulnerability. Of course there are days when I feel like I can grow from this, and I can be strong and powerful in this moment of uncomfortability and uncertainty; I could say that, I could post on my Instagram about how “nothing ever grows from your comfort zone”, and I swear I could be this voice of only positivity, and “good vibes”, but I would be lying to myself. I would be contributing to this movement that can only project positivity and happiness (that is often falsified, forced and exaggerated). I don’t always want to be a light, or *correction*, I can’t always be a light. Loneliness is draining and dangerous. Loneliness has caused me – too often – to set fire to myself, thinking… anything would be better than being numb.

I say that loneliness has been much more challenging for me now than ever, because it is very easy to see how past lovers are doing. It is very easy to see how they’ve moved on without you. It is very easy to see them “happy”, in pictures that are too easily accessible. And although we may think, “well, they aren’t really that happy”- whether they be past lovers or strangers, the question still exists, ” well maybe they are and if they are, how come I’m not?”, and the thoughts never end. Everyone just seems so happy, emphasis on *seems*, and it easily allows for feelings of loneliness and exclusion. Loneliness feels a lot like rejection and failure to me. If I’m not “dating” or “talking” to someone, then I must be unworthy and undesirable. I know that that is not true, but there’s a voice of fear that screams louder than the truth sometimes. Because of this “fear”-this fear of being unwanted , I make sure to never be alone. I’ve often been single, but never alone. Loneliness would be a depth too deep for me to feel safe in. I struggle in wondering if how I feel is at all normal because normalcy is just “happiness” now, and in order to be accepted, in any social capacity, you should be happy or at least pretend to be. Even if today I can’t be a light, even if today I am filled with so much sadness I feel like I could suffocate, maybe there is someone out there that just needed someone like me, to write this, to let them know, they are not alone.

I’m not saying that I am anti-light or anti-growth, what I’m saying is I’ve never witnessed any light without darkness, and I’ve never witnessed any growth that didn’t start beneath the ground. I crave the authenticity of people, I crave the good and the bad, and this world has taken truth and silenced it, and it deemed it as unattractive.There is this obsession with creating a picture perfect life on social media and it is draining people of the best thing that God has given us -which is the ability to connect and relate and feel as human beings. 

So heres to some truth, I’m fucking lonely and bored as shit.

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